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IN THE NAME OF ALLAH, THE GRACIOUS, THE MERCIFUL
ALLAH EXHORTS US IN HIS HOLY WORD TO "KEEP UP THE SUPPLICATION: LORD, BESTOW ON ME AN INCREASE OF KNOWLEDGE." PERHAPS THIS IS BECAUSE WE LOVE IN PROPORTION TO THE HEAVENLY KNOWLEDGE, WHICH WE RECEIVED. FOR LOVE KEEPS PACE WITH KNOWLEDGE; AND AS THE ONE INCREASES SO DOES THE OTHER. WHEN HEAVENLY KNOWLEDGE IS PERFECTED, LOVE WILL BE PERFECTED ALSO. AND THAT KNOWLEDGE, THAT LOVE, WILL BE MANIFESTED IN HEALTHY, HIGHLY FUNCTIONING FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS. APPLIED KNOWLEDGE AND LOVE PRODUCES MODEL FAMILIES.
THIS PAPER: "GOOD FAMILY RELATIONS: THE ISLAMIC WAY," IS A SUBJECT THAT TOUCHES THE VERY CORE OF OUR DEEPEST CHALLENGES AND CONCERNS.
TO REVIEW OUR KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD FAMILY RELATIONS, LET US EXAMINE THEM FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF UNDERSTANDING THE FAMILY STRUCTURE IN ISLAM. IT WOULD SEEM REASONABLE TO ASSUME THAT IF WE COMPREHEND THE MUSLIM FAMILY AS BOTH A RELIGIOUS AND A SOCIAL-BEHAVIORAL SYSTEM, IT WILL BE POSSIBLE TO MAINTAIN GOOD FAMILY RELATIONS.
FAMILY'S OBLIGATIONS TO SOCIETY
FAMILY RIGHTS AND OBLIGATIONS ARE NOT PRIVATE FAMILY AFFAIRS OF NO CONCERN TO THE REST OF SOCIETY. DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS ARE ASSIGNED TO THE FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE ENJOINED TO ADMINISTER THEM PRIVATELY. BUT, IF THE SITUATION BECOMES UNMANAGEABLE, RELIGION COMMANDS SOCIETY, REPRESENTED BY DESIGNATED AUTHORITIES AS WELL AS CONSCIENTIOUS INDIVIDUALS, TO TAKE WHATEVER ACTION IS NECESSARY TO IMPLEMENT ITS SOCIAL LAW, IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN EQUITY AND HARMONY. THIS IS A NATURAL RESULT OF THE FACT THAT THE MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS ARE NOT ESTABLISHED ONLY BY FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIP, BUT ALSO BY THE MEMBERSHIP IN A LARGER SOCIAL SYSTEM WHICH DERIVES FROM A COMMON RELIGIOUS BROTHERHOOD. THIS BROTHERHOOD HAS ITS OWN IMPLICATIONS. IT IS CONCEIVED TO REINFORCE FAMILY TIES, COMPLEMENT THEM, OR PREVENT THEIR ABUSE.
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE
THE FAMILY IS THE BASIC UNIT OF HUMAN SOCIETY. THE FOUNDATION OF A FAMILY IS LAID THROUGH MARRIAGE. THE STRONG EMPHASIS THAT ISLAM HAS PUT ON MARRIAGE MAY BE SEEN CLEARLY IN THE CONTEXT OF THE PURPOSE THAT MARRIAGE IS DESIGNATED TO SERVE.
MARRIAGE IS REGARDED FIRST AND FOREMOST AS AN ACT OF PIETY. ALLAH SAYS, "HE IT IS WHO CREATED YOU FROM A SINGLE SOUL, AND MADE THEREFROM ITS MATE, THAT HE MIGHT FIND COMFORT IN HER.” (AL-A'RAF VERSE 190) "OF HIS SIGNS IT IS THAT HE CREATED YOU FROM DUST, AND LO! YOU ARE HUMAN BEINGS SPREAD OVER THE EARTH. OF HIS SIGNS IT IS THAT HE HAS CREATED MATES FOR YOU OF YOUR OWN KIND THAT YOU MAY FIND PEACE OF MIND THROUGH THEM, AND HE HAS PUT LOVE AND TENDERNESS BETWEEN YOU. IN THAT SURELY ARE SIGNS FOR A PEOPLE WHO REFLECT." (AL-RUM VERSE 21)
THE LEAST FOCAL ASPECT OF ISLAMIC MARRIAGE IS THE ECONOMIC FACTOR. ALLAH SAYS, "ARRANGE THE MARRIAGES OF THE WIDOWS FROM AMONG YOU, AND OF THE RIGHTEOUS FROM AMONG THOSE UNDER YOUR CONTROL, MALE AND FEMALE. IF THEY BE POOR, ALLAH WILL GRANT THEM MEANS OUT OF HIS BOUNTY. ALLAH IS VASTLY BOUNTIFUL, ALL-KNOWING." (AL-NUR VERSE 33) THE HOLY PROPHET (SAW) IS REPORTED TO HAVE SAID, "IN MARRYING A WOMAN, A MAN'S CHOICE OF A SPOUSE IS DETERMINED BY THE CONSIDERATION OF HER WEALTH, HER FAMILY, HER PHYSICAL BEAUTY AND HER RELIGIOUS PIETY, BUT THOU SHOULDST MAKE THY LIFE HAPPY, PROSPEROUS AND SUCCESSFUL, BY CHOOSING A SPOUSE, ON ACCOUNT OF HER RELIGIOUS PIETY, AS THIS IS THE SOURCE FOR LASTING CONTENTMENT." (BUKHARI)
OUR LATE, BELOVED KHALIFATUL MASIH II, MIRZA BASHIRUDDIN MAHMUD AHMAD HAS EMPHASIZED: "MARRIAGE IS A VERY DELICATE AND IMPORTANT MATTER. AS A MATTER OF FACT, VERY FEW OTHER MATTERS ARE AS IMPORTANT. WHAT IS MARRIAGE? IT IS SIMPLY A MEANS TO CARRY OUT THE DIVINE PLAN. ALLAH WISHES THAT MAN MUST PROCREATE, PROPAGATE AND SPREAD, AND THUS MAINTAIN HIMSELF AS THE MOST WONDERFUL AND SUBLIMEST OF THE DIVINE CREATION.
"THE WORD MARRIAGE MAY SOUND LIKE AN ORDINARY THING, BUT IT IS REALLY A CONSECRATION OF A GREAT DIVINE PLAN. AS SUCH IT IS OF SO GREAT AN IMPORTANCE THAT I WOULD PUT IT NEXT ONLY TO OUR RELATION WITH ALLAH, AND IT IS OUR REQUIRED DUTY TO SEE THAT IT IS DULY RESPECTED AND ADHERED TO FAITHFULLY."
MARRIAGE CONTRACT
SOME OBSERVERS HAVE BEEN LED TO STRESS THE CONTRACTUAL NATURE OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM. THEY MAINTAIN THAT MARRIAGE AS A CONTRACT MUST STATE CONDITIONS AND TERMS THAT FALL WITHIN LEGAL BOUNDS, CAPABLE OF BEING ALTERED. SOMETIMES THE STRESS ON THE SOCIO-LEGAL AND CONTRACTUAL ELEMENTS OF MARRIAGE TENDS TO OBSCURE THE RELIGIOUS ASPECT: "MARRIAGE IS A CONTRACT, BUT MARRIAGE IS ALSO A COVENANT." ALLAH SAYS, "...THEY (WOMEN) HAVE TAKEN FROM YOU A STRONG COVENANT." (AL-NISA VERSE 22) IT IS NOT ACCURATE TO DESIGNATE MARRIAGE IN ISLAM AS A SECULAR CONTRACT. ALTHOUGH IT HAS THOSE ELEMENTS. THE APPROPRIATE DESIGNATION IS THAT IT IS OF A "DIVINE INSTITUTION."
CONDITIONS OF MARRIAGE
SO, THE QURAN DESCRIBES MARRIAGE AS A "COVENANT" BETWEEN ALLAH AND THE HUMAN PARTIES AS WELL AS BETWEEN THESE PARTIES THEMSELVES. IF THE MARRIAGE IS TO BE CONSUMMATED AND BECOME VALID, CERTAIN CONDITIONS MUST BE SATISFIED. SOME OF THESE CONDITIONS ARE: (1) AS THERE IS NO COURTSHIP IN ISLAM A MUSLIM MALE GUARDIAN IS REQUIRED TO ACT ON BEHALF OF THE FEMALE IN A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. THE GUARDIAN IS TO BE OF SOUND MIND, FULL AGE AND GOOD CHARACTER. HE SAFEGUARDS THE FEMALE'S MORAL INTEGRITY AND TAKES ALL PRECAUTIONS TO MAXIMIZE THE PROBABILITY OF A GOOD MARRIAGE. (2) THERE MUST BE A DIRECT, UNEQUIVOCAL PROPOSAL FOLLOWED BY A CORRESPONDING ACCEPTANCE THEREOF; (3) THE WORDS USED IN THE CONTRACT MUST BE DIRECTLY DERIVED FROM, OR INTIMATELY RELATED TO, THE ROOT WORD OF MARRIAGE; (4) THERE MUST BE AT LEAST TWO COMPETENT WITNESSES SO THAT THE PROGENY'S RIGHT OF LEGITIMACY WILL BE SAFEGUARDED; (5) THE CONTRACT REQUIRES THE CONTRIBUTION OF A "DOWRY," OR MARRIAGE GIFT, BY THE GROOM TO THE BRIDE; (6) THE MARRIAGE MUST BE WIDELY PUBLICIZED; (7) THE WOMEN MUST BE FREE FROM ALL MARITAL BONDS, FREE OF PREGNANCY, OUT SIDE THE "WAITING PERIOD" IF SHE IS DIVORCED OR WIDOWED, AND SHE MUST NOT FALL WITHIN THE FORBIDDEN DEGREES OF BLOOD RELATIONS; (8) SHE MUST BE A MONOTHEIST OR FROM AMONG THE "PEOPLE OF THE BOOK;" (9) HE OR SHE MUST BE FREE FROM ADULTERY AND FORNICATION; (10) THE CONTRACTING MAN MUST BE A MUSLIM.
IT WOULD NOT BE OUT OF PLACE HERE TO ELABORATE ON DOWRY. DOWRY IS USED TO DESIGNATE THE GIFT A MUSLIM GROOM GIVES TO HIS BRIDE. IT IS A SYMBOL OF TRUTHFULNESS AND SINCERITY ON THE PART OF THE HUSBAND. THE DOWRY BECOMES HER PERSONAL PROPERTY WHICH SHE IS EMPOWERED TO WAIVE, REDUCE, RETURN TO HER HUSBAND, OR DISPENSE WITH AS SHE PLEASES. IT MAY CONSIST OF MONEY, PROPERTY, MOVABLE OBJECTS, OR SERVICES RENDERED TO THE BRIDE HERSELF. THERE IS A TRADITION THAT A COMPANION OF THE PROPHET WANTED TO MARRY A CERTAIN WOMAN BUT HAD NOTHING TO OFFER HER IN DOWRY. THE PROPHET ASKED HIM TO TEACH HER WHATEVER HE KNEW OF THE QURAN, AND THAT SUFFICED AS A DOWRY.
THE LIMITS OF DOWRY SHOULD BE ESTIMATED ACCORDING TO CIRCUMSTANCES WITH EMPHASIS ON MODERATION. THE HOLY PROPHET IS REPORTED TO HAVE SAID THAT THE MOST BLESSED MARRIAGE IS THAT WHICH IS LEAST COSTLY AND MOST EASY. HAZRAT KHALIFATUL MASIH IV HAS SET AN AMOUNT OF 6 MONTHS TO ONE YEARS WAGES.
MATE SELECTION
THE IDEA THAT LOVE IS BLIND AND LOVE IS THE DECISIVE FACTOR IN MATE SELECTION IS NOT THE NORM OF ANY SOCIETY. THE BELIEF THAT "LOVE AND MARRIAGE GO TOGETHER LIKE A HORSE AND CARRIAGE" HAS BEEN DRUMMED INTO THE HEADS OF WESTERN YOUNG PEOPLE SO INSISTENTLY THAT THEY CONSIDER "BEING-IN-LOVE" BEFORE MARRIAGE ENTIRELY NATURAL. PERHAPS THE PRESSURE ON THE MARRIAGE CREATED BY EMPHASIS ON UNREALISTIC ROMANTIC LOVE MAY CONTRIBUTE TO THE HIGH DIVORCE RATE IN WESTERN SOCIETIES. THE FACT IS, RULES AND CONSIDERATIONS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE THE PRIORITY OF LOVE HAVE HISTORICALLY GOVERNED MATE SELECTION IN MANY SOCIETIES.
THESE DAYS THE AMERICAN MIDDLE CLASS TREND IN MATE SELECTION IS TOWARD WHAT IS CALLED "SOCIAL EQUALITY IN MARRIAGE." THIS CONCEPT IS BASED ON TWO THEORIES: (1) PEOPLE TEND TO MARRY PEOPLE WHO ARE SOCIALLY AND ECONOMICALLY LIKE THEMSELVES; (2) EVERY INDIVIDUAL SEEKS WITHIN THEIR FIELD OF ELIGIBLES THAT PERSON WHO GIVES THE GREATEST PROMISE OF PROVIDING MAXIMUM NEED GRATIFICATION.
WESTERN ADVOCATES SUGGEST THAT THE WELFARE OF THE FAMILY REQUIRE MEASURES OF SOCIAL EQUALITY TO MAXIMIZE THE PROBABILITY OF MARITAL SUCCESS. THEY SAY WHEN TWO PARTIES ARE NOT SOCIALLY EQUAL, IT IS THE MAN WHO MUST "MEASURE UP" TO THE WOMAN. A WOMAN MAY MARRY ABOVE BUT NOT BELOW HER SOCIAL LEVEL, WHEREAS A MAN MAY MARRY BELOW BUT NOT ABOVE HIS. THIS MEANS THAT THE LEADERSHIP ROLE, IS THE MANS, AS HE IS THE PROVIDER OF THE FAMILY AND THE BEARER OF ITS SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC STATUS. IF HIS LEADERSHIP IS TO BE REAL AND LASTING, HE MUST BE CERTAIN OF HIS STATUS. THIS IS MOST LIKELY TO BE OBTAINED WHEN HE MARRIES HIS EQUAL OR DOWN. BUT IF HE MARRIES UP, HIS POSITION MAY BE SUBJECT TO UNCERTAINTY. PERSONALITIES MAY CONFLICT; ROLES MAY BECOME DIFFUSED AND BLURRED AND FAMILY STABILITY ENDANGERED. TO MINIMIZE THIS RISK, IT IS DEEMED ADVISABLE FOR A MAN TO MARRY HIS SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC EQUAL. THE CASE OF WOMEN IS NOT THE SAME. IT IS PREFERRED THAT THE WOMAN MARRIES HER EQUAL OR UP, NOT DOWN.
THIS WESTERN CONCEPT OF "SOCIAL EQUALITY IN MARRIAGE" HAS NO SUPPORT FROM THE HOLY QURAN. ALLAH SAYS, " VERILY, THE MOST HONORABLE AMONG YOU, IN THE SIGHT OF ALLAH, IS HE WHO IS THE MOST RIGHTEOUS AMONG YOU. SURELY, ALLAH IS ALL-KNOWING. ALL-AWARE." (AL-HUJURAT VERSE 14)
ISLAM ASSERTS "RELIGIOUS EQUALITY IN MARRIAGE." ACCORDINGLY, EVERY INDIVIDUAL IS RANKED FIRST ON THE BASIS OF RELIGIOUS VIRTUES. THESE VIRTUES MAY OR MAY NOT AGREE WITH TRADITIONAL WESTERN VALUES. ALL MUSLIMS ARE TO BE REGARDED AS EQUALS IN THE SIGHT OF ALLAH AND BROTHERS OF ONE ANOTHER (AL-HUJURAT VERSE 11); THE ONLY RECOGNIZABLE CRITERION OF DISTINCTION IS THAT OF RIGHTEOUSNESS OR TAQWA.
THIS CRITERIA OF RIGHTEOUSNESS INCLUDES BELIEF IN ALLAH; THE LAST DAY OF JUDGMENT (WHICH DEPENDS THE DIRECTS MAN’S ACTIONS IN THIS LIFE); BELIEF IN ANGELS; DIVINE SCRIPTURES; AND THE PROPHETS. RIGHTEOUS ACTIONS ARE RECOGNIZED BY SPENDING FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH; PRAYER AND PAYMENT OF ZAKAT; KEEPING ONE'S PROMISE; AND DISPLAYING FORTITUDE, PATIENCE AND STEADFASTNESS IN TIME OF DISTRESS.
DOMESTIC FAMILY RELATIONS
SO FAR, THE DISCUSSION HAS BEEN CONCERNED WITH THE FORMATION OF THE FAMILY. LET US NOW TURN TO DOMESTIC FAMILY RELATIONS.
TO BEGIN WITH, THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE IS TOO INTIMATE AND VARIED TO LEND ITSELF EASILY AND ENTIRELY TOO FORMAL RULES AND REGULATIONS, HOWEVER COMPREHENSIVE. IT DEFIES THE SUBTLEST FORMALITIES OF RULES OF LAW SINCE IT OPERATES ON LEVELS THAT ARE NOT ALWAYS ACCESSIBLE TO DETECTION. THEREFORE, IT IS SIMPLER TO FOCUS ON THE MORAL PRINCIPLES OF THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP SO THAT WE DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THE FACT THAT ALLAH IS THE INTEGRAL ELEMENT OF ANY ACTION SITUATION.
ALLAH SAYS, "AND ONE OF HIS SIGNS IS THAT HE HAS CREATED WIVES FOR YOU FROM AMONG YOURSELVES THAT YOU MAY FIND PEACE OF MIND IN THEM, AND HE HAS PUT LOVE AND TENDERNESS BETWEEN YOU. IN THAT SURELY ARE SIGNS FOR A PEOPLE WHO REFLECT." (AL-RUM VERSE 22) HERE, ALLAH DEFINES THE PRINCIPLES OF THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP AS BEING ONE OF A CONSCIENTIOUS COMMITMENT BY BOTH PARTIES THAT THE MARITAL
THE WIFE'S RIGHT; THE HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS
THE HUSBAND'S OBLIGATIONS IN MEETING THE CHALLENGE OF MARRIAGE BECOMES CLEAR WHEN ALLAH SAYS, "...AND CONSORT WITH THEM IN KINDNESS...(AL-NISA VERSE 20) AND "MEN ARE APPOINTED GUARDIANS OVER WOMEN, BECAUSE OF THAT IN RESPECT OF WHICH ALLAH HAS MADE SOME OF THEM EXCEL OTHERS, AND BECAUSE MEN SPEND OF THEIR WEALTH..." (AL-NISA VERSE 35)
TRANSLATED INTO BEHAVIORAL TERMS, THESE MORAL PRINCIPLES ALLOCATE TO THE WIFE CERTAIN RIGHTS, WHICH ARE THE HUSBAND'S DUTY TO ALLAH TO FULFILL. THE WIFE IS TO BE CONSORTED WITH IN AN EQUITABLE AND KIND MANNER AND THAT THE HUSBAND IS TO BEAR THE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HER MAINTENANCE.
THE WIFE'S MAINTENANCE ENTAILS HER INCONTESTABLE RIGHT TO LODGING, CLOTHING, FOOD, AND GENERAL CARE. HER LODGING MUST BE ADEQUATE SO AS TO ENSURE HER PRIVACY, COMFORT, AND
FAILURE TO PROVIDE FOR THE WIFE MAY SOMETIMES BE INVOLUNTARY. ECONOMIC FLUCTUATIONS AND SOCIAL CHANGE MAY CAUSE THE HUSBAND TO BECOME DESTITUTE. RELIGION DEMANDS MAINTENANCE FOR THE WIFE; BUT THIS IS DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE IF THE HUSBAND IS DESTITUTE. THE SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM CALLS FOR COMPASSION AND COOPERATION BETWEEN MARITAL PARTNERS. ASSUMING THAT EACH PARTY WOULD SHOW THE DECENCY AND INTEGRITY EXPECTED OF CONSCIENTIOUS MUSLIMS, IT COULD BE ANTICIPATED THAT THE HUSBAND WOULD DO HIS UTMOST TO MINIMIZE HIS WIFE'S DEPRIVATION AND SHE, IN TURN WOULD DO HER UTMOST TO STAND BY HIM, SHARING HIS UPS AND DOWN. IT MAY MOTIVATE THE HUSBAND TO INTENSIFY HIS DRIVE TO IMPROVE HIS CONDITION, SO AS TO KEEP HIS FAMILY AND PRIDE. IT MAY ALSO ENCOURAGE THE HUSBAND TO RISE TO GREATER HEIGHTS OF CHARACTER, STRIVE TO ACQUIRE PERSONAL QUALITIES THAT CAN BE A SOURCE OF CONSOLATION FOR THE WIFE WHO HAS HOPEFULLY PROVEN HER INTEGRITY, PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, AND LOYALTY UNDER ADVERSE CONDITIONS.
NOW LET US LOOK MORE CLOSELY AT ALLAH'S DIRECTIVE THAT THE HUSBAND CONSORT WITH HIS WIFE "IN KINDNESS." ALTHOUGH THIS IS A QURANIC COMMANDMENT FROM ALLAH ADDRESSED TO MEN SPECIFICALLY, FUNDAMENTAL QURANIC PRINCIPLES APPLY TO ALL HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS. SO, "CONSORTING WITH KINDNESS" IS NOT A ONE-SIDED AFFAIR. IT IS ALSO VALID FOR THE WIFE TO HUSBAND AS WELL. ALL ARE TO RECIPROCATE EACH OTHERS LOVE AND KINDNESS. DEPENDING ON THE ASSIMILATION OF KNOWLEDGE AND LOVE INTO OUR CHARACTER, OR NOT, WE CAN EITHER BE THE PERSONIFICATION OF ONE WHO "CONSORTS WITH KINDNESS" OR ACTUALLY BE CRUEL AND MEAN-SPIRITED AND NOT REALIZE IT.
AS STATED EARLIER, THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE IS HIGHLY INTIMATE AND VARIED. EACH PERSON, EACH FAMILY, IS AT A DIFFERENT STAGE OF DEVELOPMENT. AT ONE END OF THE CONTINUUM ARE FAMILIES WITH LOVING, HIGHLY FUNCTIONING, GROWTH-FILLED RELATIONSHIPS DESPITE TRIALS, WHICH ARE A CONTINUOUS PART OF LIFE. AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE CONTINUUM ARE FAMILIES LOCKED IN THE GRIP OF SUCH TURMOIL AND DESPAIR THAT BELIEVERS WOULD CRY - "WHEN WILL COME THE HELP OF ALLAH?" AT SUCH TIMES ALLAH SAYS THAT HIS HELP IS NEAREST. (AL-BAQARAH VERSE 215)
PERHAPS IT IS JUST THEN, WHEN THINGS ARE MOST CONTRADICTORY, DIFFICULT, AND FRUSTRATING THAT LIFE REALLY MAKES SENSE. SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES PROVOKE US, ALMOST FORCES US, TO DEVELOP OUR HIGHER FACULTIES. OLD WAYS OF DOING THINGS NO LONGER WORK. AS ALBERT EINSTEIN OBSERVED; "THE SIGNIFICANT PROBLEMS WE FACE CANNOT BE SOLVED AT THE SAME LEVEL OF THINKING WE WERE AT WHEN WE CREATED THE PROBLEMS." WE NEED A NEW AND DEEPER LEVEL OF THINKING BASED ON QURANIC PRINCIPLES THAT FIRST, ACCURATELY DESCRIBES OUR PROBLEM (CORRECT DIAGNOSIS IS CRITICAL) AND SECOND, PROVIDES ITS REMEDY. THEN PRAYER, TO GIVE US THE WILL TO APPLY THAT REMEDY.
LOVE'S RENEWAL
PERHAPS ONE OF MARRIAGE'S MOST DIFFICULT TESTING TIMES IS WHEN THE "SAME-NESS" OF THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS TO BLUNT ENTHUSIASM AND CHALLENGE THE MARRIAGE COMMITMENT. THE INTIMACY, RICHNESS, SOFTNESS AND SPONTANEITY HAVE GONE AND ONE SPOUSE, OR BOTH, FEEL NO INSPIRATION TO REVIVE IT.
IN CHAPTER AL-NISA, ALLAH SAYS: "IF A WOMAN FEARS ILL-TREATMENT OR INDIFFERENCE FROM HER HUSBAND, IT SHALL BE NO SIN FOR THEM THAT THEY ARE SUITABLY RECONCILED TO EACH OTHER, AND RECONCILIATION IS BEST." IN OTHER WORDS, IT IS AS IF ALLAH SAYS: DOES THE COUPLE THINK THEY WOULD BE COMMITTING A SIN IF THEY BECAME RECONCILED TO EACH OTHER? IT IS NO SIN TO DO SO. ON THE CONTRARY, IT IS A COMMENDABLE THING. IT IS AN EXHORTATION FROM ALLAH. SO ALLAH ENCOURAGES US THAT LOVE AND CARING CAN BE REVIVED. AND SINCE IT CAN, THAT IS A GOOD REASON TO BEGIN TO PUT THE REVIVAL PROCESS IN MOTION. ONE MIGHT ASK: "BUT HOW DO YOU LOVE WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL LOVE?"
POPULAR OPINION TELLS US TO BE DRIVEN BY FEELINGS, NOT VALUES; TO BE PROGRAMMED TO BELIEVE THAT WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE, THAT WE ARE A PRODUCT OF OUR FEELINGS. BUT THIS IS NOT THE REALITY. IF OUR FEELINGS CONTROL OUR ACTIONS, IT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ABDICATED OUR RESPONSIBILITY AND EMPOWERED THEM TO DO SO. WE CAN SUBORDINATE FEELINGS TO VALUES AND MAKE LOVE A VERB. AND A VERB IS AN ACTION WORD. LOVE -- THE FEELING -- IS A FRUIT OF LOVE -- THE VERB. LOVE IS SOMETHING WE DO. IT IS THE SACRIFICES WE MAKE,THE GIVING OF SELF, LIKE A MOTHER BRINGS A NEWBORN INTO THE WORLD. IF WE WANT TO STUDY LOVE, STUDY THOSE WHO SACRIFICE FOR OTHERS, EVEN FOR PEOPLE WHO OFFEND, OR DO NOT LOVE IN RETURN. LOOK AT THE LOVE WE HAVE FOR THE CHILDREN WE SACRIFICED FOR.
IN THE QURAN LOVE IS A VERB, AN ACTION WORD. RE-STUDY THE LIFE OF THE PROPHET (SAW) AND HOW HE LOVED -- HIS WIVES, HIS FAMILY, THE BELIEVERS, ALL OF HUMANITY.
SO HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOULD PRACTICE LOVING EACH OTHER (THE HIGHEST FORM OF "CONSORTING IN KINDNESS"). FOR INSTANCE, PRAY FOR EACH OTHER. "LORD, MAKE MY SPOUSE THE DELIGHT OF MY EYES AND MAKE US MODELS FOR THE RIGHTEOUS," IS A QURANIC PRAYER ALLAH TAUGHT US THAT CAN HAVE MIRACULOUS EFFECT. AND SERVE EACH OTHER. SACRIFICE FOR EACH OTHER. LISTEN TO EACH OTHER. SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH EACH OTHER. EMPATHIZE. APPRECIATE EACH OTHER. AFFIRM EACH OTHER. BE WILLING TO DO THAT. LOVE IS A VALUE THAT IS ACTUALIZED THROUGH LOVING ACTIONS. SO LOVE, -- THE FEELING -- CAN BE RE-CAPTURED.
TO HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE WE MUST GENERATE POSITIVE ENERGY AND SIDE-STEP NEGATIVE ENERGY RATHER THAN EMPOWERING IT. THIS IS CALLED, IMPROVING OUR SELF, OR JIHAD. IT IS FUTILE TO TRY AND IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS BEFORE IMPROVING OURSELVES. IT TAKES A TREMENDOUS COMMITMENT AND COURAGE TO CHANGE.
THE QURAN IS REPLETE WITH MORAL BEHAVIORS WE ARE TO INCULCATE INTO OUR CHARACTER. ESPECIALLY FOR YOUNG COUPLES, NEW TO MARRIAGE, HERE ARE A FEW THAT IF PRACTICED WITH DILIGENCE, CAN POTENTIALLY MAKE MARRIED LIFE RICH, JOYFUL AND ONE OF THE MOST SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS ON EARTH:
l. PRACTICE TOLERANCE AND PATIENCE.
2. BE FORGIVING. DON'T HOLD GRUDGES
3. KEEP OUR PROMISES/COMMITMENTS TO EACH OTHER.
4. SHOW PERSONAL INTEGRITY (THAT IS, NEVER COMPROMISE WITH
TRUTHFULNESS AND HONESTY
5. GUARD OUR SPOUSE'S SECRETS (DON'T BROADCAST HIS/HER FLAWS)
6. APOLOGIZE SINCERELY WHEN WE'RE WRONG
7. CLARIFY OUR MUTUAL EXPECTATIONS, ROLES AND THE GOALS WE HAVE
FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP AND FAMILY
8. TRY TO UNDERSTAND OUR SPOUSE BEFORE SEEKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
9. BE AFFECTIONATE
l0.GIVE "LITTLE THINGS" - COURTESY, COMPLIMENTS, HUMOR
11.LEARN TO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY. IT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE SPEAKER TO MAKE HIMSELF/HERSELF UNDERSTOOD.
12.EXPRESS GRATITUDE OFTEN TO OUR SPOUSE. HE/SHE WORKS HARD
13.GIVE OUR SPOUSE PRE-PLANNED QUALITY TIME WHERE CHILDREN AND FRIENDS DON'T INTRUDE.
14.BE FAITHFUL. MAKE OUR SPOUSE FEEL SECURE IN OUR LOYALTY TO THE MARRIAGE.
15.HANDLE MONEY WISELY, BE NEITHER EXTRAVAGANT NOR MISERLY. AVOID DEALING IN INTEREST AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
16.CONTROL OUR TEMPER.
17.PRAY TOGETHER AT LEAST ONCE DAILY.
THE HUSBAND'S RIGHTS; THE WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS
THE BASIS ON WHICH ALL THE WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS REST AND FROM WHICH THEY FLOW IS FROM THE FOLLOWING PRAYER IN THE HOLY QURAN: "OUR LORD, GRANT US OF OUR WIVES AND CHILDREN THE DELIGHT OF OUR EYES, AND MAKE US A MODEL FOR THE RIGHTEOUS." (AL-FURQAN VERSE 75)
THE ESSENTIAL CRITERIA OF DETERMINING THE WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS IS THAT SHE FULFILLS "THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE." WHATEVER SERVES THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE, OR FOLLOWS FROM IT, FALLS WITHIN THE RANGE OF HER DUTIES.
ONE OF THE WIFE'S OBLIGATIONS IS OBEDIENCE TO HER HUSBAND. THIS HAS STIMULATED MORE COMMENTS THAN ANY OTHER SINGLE OBLIGATION. ALLAH SAYS, "SO VIRTUOUS WOMEN ARE THOSE WHO ARE OBEDIENT, AND GUARD THE SECRET OF THEIR HUSBANDS WITH ALLAH'S PROTECTION." (AL-NISA VERSE 35) WHAT HAS TO BE CLARIFIED HERE IS THAT OBEDIENCE IS NOT ABSOLUTE OR UNQUALIFIED. OBEDIENCE TO HER HUSBAND CANNOT VIOLATE THE RIGHTS OF ALLAH. OBEDIENCE APPLIES TO MATTERS THAT FALL WITHIN THE SPHERE OF PERMISSIBLE CATEGORIES OF ACTION AND LIE WITHIN THE
IF WE VIEW THE WIFE'S OBEDIENCE AND THE HUSBAND'S AUTHORITY FROM A SOCIOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE, WE FIND THAT AUTHORITY IS A NECESSARY ELEMENT OF ANY GROUP STRUCTURE. AS STATED EARLIER, THE HUSBAND'S AUTHORITY IS NOT ABSOLUTE. IT IS RESTRAINED BY THE ETHICAL PRINCIPLES OF THE QURAN AND
AUTHORITY, OR MORE SPECIFICALLY LEADERSHIP, IS A REQUIREMENT OF ANY GROUP ACTIVITY AND IS TO BE INVESTED IN A PERSON WHO IS BEST QUALIFIED FOR IT. WHAT THIS SEEMS TO SUGGEST IS THAT THE FAMILY LEADERSHIP IS NOT CREATED FOR THE HUSBAND; THIS IS NOT AN "OFFICE" FOUNDED FOR THE MAN. RATHER, IT IS ALLOCATED TO HIM AND HE IS APPOINTED TO IT BECAUSE ALLAH DETERMINES HE IS BETTER QUALIFIED FOR THE PLACEMENT. THIS MEANS THAT IN HIS ASSUMPTION OF THE FAMILY LEADERSHIP, THE HUSBAND IS BOUND BY THE RULES OF THE POSITION. IF HE VIOLATES THE RULES OR ABUSES THE POSITION HE CEASES TO QUALIFY FOR IT. HIS AUTHORITY IS NOT UNCONDITIONAL, NOR IS HIS LEADERSHIP UNQUESTIONABLE. THEY ARE NEITHER IMPOSED NOR CLAIMED, BUT ALLOCATED AND SUBJECT TO CHECKS AND BALANCES.
THESE ARE THE KIND OF PRINCIPLES THAT UNDERLIE THE HUSBAND-WIFE RELATIONSHIP IN THE ISLAMIC SCHEME OF SOCIETY.
THE CHILD'S RIGHTS, THE PARENTS OBLIGATIONS
ONE OF THE MOST INALIENABLE RIGHTS OF THE MUSLIM CHILD IS THE RIGHT TO LIFE...IN ALL ITS FORMS...PHYSICAL LIFE, SPIRITUAL AND RELIGIOUS LIFE, EMOTIONAL LIFE, EDUCATIONAL LIFE, SOCIAL LIFE, CULTURAL LIFE. ALLAH SAYS, "...THAT YOU KILL NOT YOUR CHILDREN FOR FEAR OF POVERTY, IT IS WE WHO PROVIDE FOR YOU AND FOR THEM..." (AL-ANAM VERSE 152)
AS MUSLIMS, OUR GOAL IN BRINGING UP OUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE TO TRAIN THEIR PERSONALITIES IN SUCH
THIS GOAL WILL INSHA ALLAH (IF ALLAH SO WILLS) BE ACHIEVED BY MEANS OF THREE BASIC APPROACHES: (1) PAY ATTENTION TO THE CHILD'S PROPER TRAINING BEFORE IT'S BIRTH. WHEN HUSBAND AND WIFE COME TOGETHER THE PROPHET (SAW) SAID PRAY: "OUR LORD, SAFEGUARD US AGAINST EVIL AND SAFEGUARD THE OFFSPRING THAT YOU MAY BESTOW UPON US AGAINST EVIL. PROPHETS ABRAHAM AND ZACHARIAH'S PRAYERS FOR RIGHTEOUS OFFSPRING (AND OTHERS IN QURAN) ILLUSTRATE THE DUTY PARENTS OWE TO CHILDREN. (2) BY WORKING TO BUILD IN OUR CHILDREN ISLAMIC PERSONALITIES AND ISLAMIC ATTITUDES THROUGH AN ISLAMIC-ORIENTED FAMILY LIFE, AND (3) BY BUILDING INTO THEM A CLEAR AND DYNAMIC UNDERSTANDING THAT ISLAM IS A TOTAL SYSTEM OF LIFE FOR MAN AND HIS SOCIETY PROVIDED FOR HIM BY ALMIGHTY ALLAH, AND THAT HENCE IT IS INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO ANY SYSTEM OR IDEOLOGY WHICH MAN CAN DEVISE. BY ADHERING TO ISLAM HE/SHE WILL BE FOLLOWING HIS NATURE,WHICH WAS DESIGNED BY ALLAH; AND THAT THERE IS NO ALTERING THE CREATION OF ALLAH.
THIS IS WHY THOSE EARLY YEARS OF LIFE ARE SO CRITICAL, SO SUPREMELY IMPORTANT. THIS IS WHY THE ROLE MODELING OF PARENTS TO CHILDREN IS OUR MOST BASIC, OUR MOST SACRED, OUR MOST SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY, TO OUR CHILDREN.
THE CHILD'S DUTIES; THE PARENTS' RIGHT
ALLAH SUMS UP THE WHOLE MATTER OF PARENT'S RIGHT WHEN HE SAYS, "...AND THAT YOU DO GOOD TO PARENTS..." (AL-ANAM VERSE 152) IT IS A MUSLIM'S DUTY TO ALLAH TO SHOW GOODNESS TO OUR PARENTS, BE THEY MUSLIM OR OTHERWISE. BEHAVIORAL APPLICATIONS OF THIS DIVINE ORDINANCE OF GOODNESS TO THE PARENTS INCLUDE ACTIVE EMPATHY OR "ROLE TAKING," COMPASSIONATE GRATITUDE, PATIENCE, PRAYER FOR THEM EVEN AFTER THEIR DEMISE, HONORING THEIR COMMITMENTS ON THEIR BEHALF WHEN THEY CAN NO LONGER DO SO, SINCERE COUNSEL, AND RESPECT.
PARENTS HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPECT OBEDIENCE FROM THEIR CHILDREN. BUT PARENTS MAY NOT EXPECT SUCH OBEDIENCE IF THEY DEMAND THE WRONG OR ASK FOR THE IMPROPER; IF THEY DO, DISOBEDIENCE BECOMES NOT ONLY JUSTIFIABLE BUT ALSO NECESSARY.
AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE CHILDREN'S DUTY TO ALLAH IS TO PROVIDE MAINTENANCE FOR THEIR PARENTS IN CASE OF NEED. MAINTENANCE INCLUDES ADEQUATE PROVISIONS FOR FOOD, LODGING, CLOTHING, AND GENERAL COMFORT.
FAMILY UNITY
BROTHERS AND SISTERS, ALLAH HAS CHARGED US WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF LEADERSHIP OF THE FAMILY WITHIN OUR RESPECTED SPHERES. PERSONAL LEADERSHIP QUALITIES ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY GIVEN TO US AT BIRTH. WE MUST WORK FOR THEM. FOR OUR FAMILIES TO BE "TURNED-IN-ONE-DIRECTION" -- UNIFIED -- CLARIFIED AS TO ITS GOALS, LEADERS MUST BE SURE OF WHERE THEY ARE GOING. CREATING THE UNITY NECESSARY TO RUN AN EFFECTIVE FAMILY REQUIRES GREAT PERSONAL STRENGTH AND COURAGE...AND CONSTANT PRAYER. NO AMOUNT OF COMMITMENT AND SKILL IN LABORING TO PROPAGATE ISLAM TO THE MASSES, CAN MAKE UP FOR LACK OF NOBILITY OF PERSONAL CHARACTER IN DEVELOPING OUR "AT-HOME" RELATIONSHIPS. IT IS AT A VERY ESSENTIAL, ONE-ON-ONE LEVEL, THAT WE LIVE THE PRIMARY LAWS OF LOVE AND LIFE.
AND FINALLY; ALL PRAISES ARE DUE TO ALLAH, LORD OF ALL THE WORLDS. MAY ALLAH GRANT YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES THE GOOD OF THIS WORLD AS WELL AS THE WORLD TO COME.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Berelson, Bernard, and Steiner, Gary A., Eds. Human Behavior: An Inventory of Scientific Findings.
Burchinal, Lee G. "The Premarital Dyad and Love Involvement."
Parents' Manual: A Guide for Muslim Parents Living In
Shorter Encyclopedia of Islam, eds., Gibb, H.A.R., and Kramer, J.H. Leiden: E.J. Brill, 1953.
The Dictionary of The Holy Qur’an, by Abdul Mannan Omar. Noor Foundation – International Inc. 1st Edition
The Family Structure in Islam, by Hammudah Abd al Ati.
The Holy Quran, With English Translation and Commentary Published under the auspices of Hazrat Mirza Tahir Ahmad IV.
The Quran, Arabic Text * English Translation by Muhammad Zafrulla Khan.
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